Headlines: Russians Buying Out the EPL, Galaxy In a World of Screwdom

Another Russian Bajillionaire is looking to take over an EPL squad, as a firm owned by a guy named Alisher Usmanov(ich?) has reportedly bought another 14.5% of the remaining Arsenal shares. That’s right Gunner fans, your club is about to be 100% Russian Mafia controlled! If this takeover goes through, Emirates Stadium and Stamford Bridge will likely join forces and transform into giant black holes of evil which suck everything in their path, which is bad news for Fulham supporters. For the non-EPL initiated, Stamford Bridge is Chelsea’s home stadium. It hosts football matches in the EPL, FA Cup, and the Champions League. Occasionally, it also hosts grass.

So in the last couple of years, we’ve see Henry, Pires, shareholders, and Highbury all go down the drain. Essentially, Arsenal is transforming from a French team into a Russian team. They’re lucky to be holding on to the #4 ranking right now, since rivals Tottenham decided to destroy their season right off the bat. Still, I think there’s an outside chance that Arsenal might be on the road to a UEFA Cup berth this season, ha ha har.

Hard to ignore the fact that Roy Keane will be facing his former club this weekend, though the whole story seems a little over-hyped to me. There was tension when he unexpectedly left the club a couple years ago, but it’ll be tough for United fans to get riled up about Sunderland. Those who do will probably get to witness a 3-1 drubbing by the Red Devils. For Fantasy purposes, I’m pulling for two Tevez goals, a Nani goal, and one from Chopra either 10 minutes in or in garbage time. After the third United goal, expect Keane to run over to the United bench and attempt a “hard but fair” tackle on Sir Alex. Then the ghost of Cantona will throw a shoe in an unsuspecting Sunderland fan’s face.

Speaking of getting shoed in the face, the LA Galaxy are “fucked,” according to manager* Frank Yallop. After the defeat to Pikachu in the SuperLiga final, the usually mild-mannered Englishman dropped four f-bombs in the postgame press conference, which indicates that he knows he doesn’t have a job any more. Though Lalas probably deserves the sack more than Yallop, I still have to question Yallop’s commitment to the team. His frustrations are causing him to make quick, rash, uninformed decisions with lineups and substitutions. And I don’t understand why he’s had such a hard time explaining the concept of one-touch passing to his team.

Unfortunately, all the Klinsi talk could possibly just be fabricated rumors designed to give us hope. Fox Soccer Channel incorrectly leaked the story about Yallop’s (then) imminent firing, and Frank still has control of the team for the time being. It appears that he’ll still be at the helm for Saturday’s laugh-fest against Real Salt Lake.

The rest of this year should really be focused on re-building. One thing I can tell you for certain, the Galaxy need to ditch Buddle, Gordon, Vagenas, and Veris right away. Martino can only stay if he learns how to beat defenders one-on-one. He also needs to put the ball on target more often than once every five games. Pavon is the other huge question mark. He’s used to playing with a whole bunch of forwards in the box with him, which explains why he lets a lot of balls pass him and tries a lot of heel-flicks, etc. He’s painfully slow, however, but he does seem to do well in the air. If the Galaxy abandon their current 4-4-Donovan-1 formation and go with a more aggressive 4-4-2 (good God we need Klinsmann), Pavon might be able to keep a spot.

Beckham’s injury is more of a blessing than a curse, as this will force him to rest that damned ankle until it’s healed properly, or as he likes to say, “until it’s right.” Hopefully the knee damage isn’t too extensive and won’t limit his mobility for the rest of his career. Hate to say it, but the guy is getting old. Stuff just doesn’t heal the same way when you’re past age 30…

Oh, and the Champions League draw was today. AC Milan get a free pass to the knockout round, United fans need to sign safety waivers before attending Roma games, and Liverpool whine about getting a tough draw. More on this later.

*for now

Klinsmann Coaching? Only 12,500 Tickets for SuperLiga?

Some good news for Galaxy fans: Jürgen Klinsmann is reportedly linked to the Galaxy’s head coaching job (source). If management decides to give Frank Yallop the boot, the former German international will be at the helm. Frank is a nice guy and probably a great players’ coach, but results and position in the tables (sorry… standings) are where it counts. Alexi Lalas shouldn’t be going around giving his full support to Yallop and blaming scheduling woes for poor performances; he should be flaming his head coach and letting him know that his job is in serious danger unless things start to improve quickly. Maybe this is all going on behind the scenes, but I doubt it, given Alexi’s tendency to be overly optimistic and full of himself.

Supposedly Lalas’s job is in danger as well, which should also be good news for the faithful. Sure, the schedule has been tough the last month or so, but we all know this. Good GM’s do not make excuses; they make promises. The great ones keep their promises. Alexi has done neither of the two, and it’s time for him to move on to other things.

A more likely scenario is this: Lalas and Yallop both keep their jobs, the Galaxy sneak into 8th place, win the MLS cup, and the coattails are ridden for another two years. Honestly, maybe what this franchise (grrr) needs is a cataclysmic failure, which they’re on pace to do at the moment. Maybe everything needs to go utterly amiss in order for the proper changes to be made. I think this would definitely apply to the U.S. Men’s National Team as well. More on that some other time…

Oh, and Wednesday’s SuperLiga final will have a grand total of 12,500 fans in attendance. The Galaxy decided to cap the amount of tickets sold since Cal State Dominguez Hills has just started their first semester. This tournament is supposed to be the American version of the Champions League (haHA) and we cap the attendance at an amount that is about 1/8th the size of Nou Camp in Spain or Wembley in England. Good riddance.

The main reason for this move is supposedly “to ease parking problems”. I’d like to write a letter to the HDC and the Galaxy and let them know what “parking problems” are: it’s paying 20 DOLLARS to park your car half a mile away from the stadium (this happened to me at the semifinal against DC United). Parking is less expensive at the Honda Center, Rose Bowl, Hollywood Bowl, Qualcomm Stadium, and even STAPLES CENTER (there are $15 lots), and those venues house events that aren’t desperate for attendees. I’d also like to meet someone who has paid the $50 for HDC valet service. Victoriaaaaaa.

So instead of a bitter weekend clash between two teams from rival leagues in rival countries, we get a Wednesday evening injury-fest essentially played behind closed doors. Why can’t they just limit the amount of parking? Give out 7,000 or so parking passes, and only offer parking to patrons with these passes. They do this in England all the time; many tickets are sold only if the ticketholder agrees to utilize public transportation to get to the venue. I know that transit is more limited here, but my guess is that a good number of people would be willing to carpool or figure out a way to combine Metrolink and buses.

Or… could they at least give the remaining seats to the students? Just fill that place up somehow!

Bench It Like Beckham: Galaxy at Colorado

This isn’t a SuperLiga game, so the chances of a Galaxy victory are slim to none. Never mind that the Rapids are one of the only teams that could possibly qualify as even more craptacular than the Herbalites. Beckham will be sitting this one out after playing 3 games in 6 days last week, so things could get ugly pretty quickly. Word is that Carlos Pavon will not be in the starting lineup either, with Donovan and Xavier both questionable as well.

This game has been announced as a sellout, but my guess is that the tickets were sold weeks ago, so I’d expect a lot of no-shows. And while we’re on the topic of no-shows, I would fully support Joe Cannon if he decides to just pack up and leave this team. They’re embarrassing him and leaving him high and dry time and time again.

Word now in that EIGHT players were left behind in California, including Donovan. They just flashed the starting lineup, and it includes three players who have not started an MLS game in their lives. Maybe the freshness will be good?

Kickoff coming up at 6PM Central Time. We join the action:

Saturday Morning Premiership Tidbits

5AM and I’m ready to go. The first televised match starts in about two hours, so here’s some important information to browse through:

Supposedly, Sir Alex has predicted that United will win their first match this weekend. At the moment, it’s unclear what significance this has, as the same prediction was issued a week ago…. and the week before. It has also been announced that Brazil international Anderson will make his debut, in hopes of energizing the squad and getting everything back on the right track. Does anyone remember the last time a situation similar to this happened? (Kleberson ). With Rooney and that Portuguese guy still out, things aren’t looking good for the Red Devils.

Kasey Keller joining Fulham means that there are now four bald Americans with a starting goalkeeper position in the EPL. Keller probably won’t start this week, but next week we could see a riot squad. If the sun shines, expect to see it glisten off the heads of Keller, Friedel, Hannnanhemasnhffbh (however the hell you spell it), and Howard. Alexi Lalas will then proceed to call one of them “the best goalkeeper in the world”, depending on which one happens to be mentioned in his next interview.

I have no idea if there have been any updates on Michael Ballack, but I wouldn’t expect to see him anytime soon. Supposedly he weaves all of Peter Cech’s rugby caps by hand. I’d really like to know if that little piece of cloth will really save Cech from head trauma if he’s involved in a scrum half as bad as the one that seriously injured him.

I’m also really bummed about the whole Brian McBride’s kneecap deciding to twist the wrong way and fly out the socket deal. Dempsey will look even more lost out there without the only decent striker the U.S. has ever produced. Shoot… with Keller, Bocanegra, Dempsey, and McBride, there’s no telling how many wasted build-ups and frustrating finishing moves that squad would be able to pull off. And we’d all get a birds-eye-view from that awesome Fulham roof cam (if you haven’t seen it, it basically looks like you’re looking at the action vertically for the entire game). I’ll cry if they are relegated.

Coming up in an hour or so: Arsenal vs. Man City.

Game Day: Chivas USA vs. Galaxy

If you want to know why I haven’t been posting until this point, read the pregame blog and thank the WNBA

We join the action 12 minutes into the game:

Pregame: Chivas USA vs. Galaxy

Just when I thought I’d be able to settle down, grab a drink, and watch some pregame festivities from the Home Depot Center, ESPN decides to keep airing a WNBA game that has gone into double-overtime. Basketball really is a horrible sport with absolutely no drama or momentum, as teams are basically allowed to take time-outs at will. The last 3:50 of this overtime will likely end up taking at least 15 minutes. Wonderful.

This reminds me of the time that a playoff hockey game between the Buffalo Sabres and the New York Rangers was pulled off the air in order to show pre-race coverage of the Preakness Stakes. Sometimes it’s tough to be a Yank who loves soccer and hockey. I’m on the verge of bowing down in prayer to Fox Soccer Channel every night.

The third Beckham update was just sent to us, and apparently he will be in the starting lineup tonight. Donovan will only start if he’s allowed to take every other free kick and corners on the right side.

With 3.8 seconds left, the score is 81-81 and this game is going to go into triple overtime. The plug had better be pulled, especially since the league is already on life support and wouldn’t have a rat’s chance of surviving without funding from the NBA. Aaaaaand just as I finish writing that sentence, a Connecticut player takes a terrible shot from 3-point range and misses. What a way to kick-off my first soccer blog.

Four minutes have already been played, and I’m still stuck with the WNBA and their fundamentals. Score = 88-89, which doesn’t look hopeful. I might need to open up an internet stream before I go insane. Hopefully my next pregame threads won’t be as pointless as this one. For now, I’ll close this out and apologize for wasting your time.

Beckham and Donovan To Play?

“Don’t be surprised if he’s starting, don’t be surprised if he gets five minutes,” is the latest from Frank Yallop, who is somehow still in charge of the most disappointing team in the MLS. Haven’t heard any word yet from Donovan (since nobody cares), but my guess is that he’ll suit up. I’d also guess that he’ll be more eager to play if Becks does sit this one out, since Landy seems to be obsessed with that captain’s armband.

I didn’t see the Germany-England match, but I turned off the USA-Sweden game at about the 60th minute. I think Donovan had about three touches up to that point and was later subbed off. Expect him to be just as invisible tonight.